My life with my abusive ex.

Eggshells by Parm K.C

I coloured his red flags green.

Limerence tasted too delicious

And I didn’t want to acknowledge the truth.

I made every excuse for him – he had a bad day. a long week at work. he’s stressed.

I colored his red flags green, but I’m almost out of paint.

His true colors are starting to show.

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Found this poem in one of my friend’s posts on Instagram. Each line of the poem resonated with me. It made me remember those sad and challenging times when I was married.

We met online. Thought we had something great going on. What I thought was sweet, romantic talk was actually love bombing. On our second date, I met his family. He told them I was his soulmate and his angel.

Then, six months later, we moved in together. Nine months later, we got married. The first half of 2016 was pure bliss. Afterwards, he started drinking more, more than he used to. Blamed his job, his boss, the loss of his best friends several years back for his heavy drinking. When he’s happy, sad or nervous, he’d drink. Not just 1 or 2 bottles of beer but dozens even on a work night. A litre bottle of whiskey a day after payday.

His drinking issues made him more aggressive. He started hitting me over something trivial. The beatings and the verbal abuse carried on for a while. I would sometimes go to work with bruises on my face. Whenever we argue and I bring them up he would deny them. He’d be sweet and loving towards me in front of our families. To him he is perfect.

He was controlling and jealous too. He dislikes me talking to males or going out to a friend’s place if there are men around. He berated me once for going to a female friend’s birthday party with her male housemates invited. His insecurity was unbelievable. He’d call me names too, even derogatory, racist remarks. Verbally abuse me when things do not go his way or if I refuse to do what he asked me to do. He hated it when I set boundaries.

Being with him made me so anxious, scared and worried all the time. I was always apologising even though I know I did not do anything wrong. I was afraid of making him angry. Even being on my monthly period was enough to set him off.

I also had to make excuses when my sister saw how he acted during her visit in the UK. When he was rude to me I used being tired as an excuse to my sister. She saw him be aggressive towards me. She noticed all the things that I couldn’t. But still, I defended his actions.

Then in 2021, after hitting me again, I finally had the courage to tell his family and to walk away from him. The police got involved, he pleaded not guilty at first, thinking he will win against me. Then on the day of the trial, he changed his mind and pleaded guilty. My barrister told me that he thought I was not going to show up in court.

I thought the sweet gestures of love, the romantic words, the tenderness and a hint of control and possessiveness in the first years of our relationship were normal. I thought that was what someone should act. I did not realise until after walking away that those were red flags. The police, my friends told me that those things were not normal in a relationship.

I stayed single for a while. I was scared. I could not trust anyone. I built a wall around myself and my guard was always up. I went to therapy for a few months, meditated with my friend, travelled and met new people.

Today, I am far away from him. Still healing from the trauma but I am working on my triggers. I am getting help from my friends. I am happier now. No one controlling, aggressive and selfish. I am surrounded by nice, positive and supportive people.

If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, please visit this website for help: Refuge, the UK’s largest specialist domestic abuse organisation or call 08082000247 (UK).

References:

Parm, K.C., 2024 Eggshells. 1st edition. Parm.K.C